Can you really give anything 110% ? This phrase really bugs me and it has become ubiquitous in our culture. I think it was invented in a deodorant commercial so it obviously has credibility with the washed masses but I can't help but gag on the ill-logic of it.
I recently started a new business. As a stay at home parent you need to work for yourself one way or another if you want to get a respectible return of cash and self respect from the rubbery schedule life has handed you. I used to be in the business of selling mortgages but that morphed into a full time, straight commission job as grief counselor. Last year I was in the business of losing money. This year I am learning from the mistakes of 2009 and starting a new business that WILL make money and I WILL enjoy doing. As I thought about how successful this new endeavor would be I muttered to myself that I was 100% sure of success ... dare I say 110% sure? No, in fact to my logic 110% would be 10% UN-sure. Follow my logic.
100% is to the described item or attribute a finite and real description. It is the same at 360 degrees are in a circle. If you are 110% of a circle you are really 36 degrees away from being a complete circle. The further you get from 100% of anything the further you are getting away from what you are describing. This is science, not faith people.
You see, if you are as completely sure, or committed or full of it, whatever, you would be 100%. Right? So to go beyond that real 100 you would need to push into hypothetical optimism for the next 10. Do ya' follow? Since optimism presumes doubt those extra 10% would thus be expressions of doubt. Over the years people have stretched the expression to the ridiculous, as in "I am 200% positive that baby isn't mine Maury". Well, by my well oiled logic, to be 200% sure means you are 100% unsure. Look at that baby ... THAT'S YOUR BABY!
So the next time you see some sweaty butt-munch on TV professing to the camera that " I give it 200% and so does my deodorant", you can be 100% sure that he never gives his best... and he stinks too.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
The Sound Of Music Acid Test
Obviously men are hardwired differently than women. Emotional judgements and appreciations are often diametrically opposite between the sexes. The Reinvened Wife tells me with obsessive frequency that I am stony a Cro-Magnon and yet I think that I am an overly sentimental puppy dog. I soar and swoon with every mood shift of my wife. I feel the sting of every physical or emotional injury sustained by my children. I honestly cannot smile for two days after a Steelers loss. Since we do not have the benefit of seeing ourselves as others see us we can do a little research on our emotional selves by examining how Daddy and Mommy view popular culture. This insight may or may not help your relationship but to quote a very smart bookie I once knew, “Smart beats stupid two out of three times.”
One of the most accurate and directed emotional thermometer in pop culture would be the “Sound Of Music” test. This musical mishmash of schmaltzy sentimentality and Nazis has proved to be a relationship staple since 1965. It is ironic that this icon to the feminine sensibility would come out the same year that unveiled the ultimate traveling icon of the masculine sensibility, the Rolling Stones. Both test relationships regularly. Women nestle their mates onto the coach for a long night of Rogers and Hammerstein just as men drag their better halves to a packed stadium for a night of Jagger and Richards. How we come away from these trials tells us where our emotional temperature is.
I always come away from “The Sound Of Music” with three clear conclusions:
1. Those children were so much better behaved before that wench Maria showed up. She isn't there two scenes and the kids are literally hanging from the trees.
2. When the Mother Superior sings “Climb Every Mountain” she clearly wants to make the Nazis look good by contrast. The performance is so sadistically saccarin that diabetics need a hit of insulin before watching it. Even women go to the refrigerator during this showkiller.
3. When the Colonel starts to sing odes to mountain shrubbery he loses all believability as a U-boat commander. The writers either took liberty with his song choice or his military career.
If your opinions mirror mine I can spare your wife the breath and tell you that you are an unsentimental bastard. You are also absolutely normal, if that is your goal. Men have been unsentimental bastards at least since the invention of marriage so it must not be a serious relationship threat. It does, however, mean that you need to take steps to project healthier emotions. You may not agree with the emotions that you will be projecting but there is a big difference between 'being' emotionally honest and 'appearing' emotionally healthy. Put another way: if 'being' emotionally honest got you into this mess and 'appearing' emotionally healthy can get you out of it. Woman will appreciate the effort eitherway.
One of the most accurate and directed emotional thermometer in pop culture would be the “Sound Of Music” test. This musical mishmash of schmaltzy sentimentality and Nazis has proved to be a relationship staple since 1965. It is ironic that this icon to the feminine sensibility would come out the same year that unveiled the ultimate traveling icon of the masculine sensibility, the Rolling Stones. Both test relationships regularly. Women nestle their mates onto the coach for a long night of Rogers and Hammerstein just as men drag their better halves to a packed stadium for a night of Jagger and Richards. How we come away from these trials tells us where our emotional temperature is.
I always come away from “The Sound Of Music” with three clear conclusions:
1. Those children were so much better behaved before that wench Maria showed up. She isn't there two scenes and the kids are literally hanging from the trees.
2. When the Mother Superior sings “Climb Every Mountain” she clearly wants to make the Nazis look good by contrast. The performance is so sadistically saccarin that diabetics need a hit of insulin before watching it. Even women go to the refrigerator during this showkiller.
3. When the Colonel starts to sing odes to mountain shrubbery he loses all believability as a U-boat commander. The writers either took liberty with his song choice or his military career.
If your opinions mirror mine I can spare your wife the breath and tell you that you are an unsentimental bastard. You are also absolutely normal, if that is your goal. Men have been unsentimental bastards at least since the invention of marriage so it must not be a serious relationship threat. It does, however, mean that you need to take steps to project healthier emotions. You may not agree with the emotions that you will be projecting but there is a big difference between 'being' emotionally honest and 'appearing' emotionally healthy. Put another way: if 'being' emotionally honest got you into this mess and 'appearing' emotionally healthy can get you out of it. Woman will appreciate the effort eitherway.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Indianapolis Wins & Footballs Newest Genius
The Indianapolis Colts beat the New York Jets by a big score, 30 - 17 but it didn't look that way at halftime. As Braylon Edwards stretched a beautiful pitch from Jets rookie QB Mark Sanchez into a touchdown and a 10-7 lead over the Indianapolis Colts I couldn't help but think "Oh my, he's bound to collapse of exhaustion since his team didn't rest him down the stretch for the playoffs".
The Colts, who always appear so invincible going into the playoffs have been, with one exception, "vinced" every playoff campaign short of the Superbowl in this long Peyton Manning era. To avoid the Noid again, new Head Coach Jim Caldwell forsook a run at a perfect season and pulled his star quarterback and many starters early in what became their first loss in game 14 against... ummm, I forget... oh yeah, against the Jets! This strategy did have the effect of letting the Jets, who's season was given up for dead a week before by their own coach, into the playoffs. It also blocked the Steelers, who also won out their last three games only to miss the playoffs due to tiebreakers. One shouldn't be too hard on Colt's coach Caldwell for using this "lose to win" strategy to spare and repair his top guns. Noted football genius Bill Belicheck often presumed football genius Marvin Lewis both bought into the same theory after they locked up playoff spots. Both Patriots and Bengals were rudely dumped in the first round of playoffs by wildcard teams who, one must presume, didn't have the luxury of resting players down the stretch. Puts a different spin on genius dunnit?
Clearly these coaching geniuses never watch Survivor on TV. Seemingly every year a team of reality schmucks takes a dominating lead over another team of reality schmoes. Seeing an insurmountable lead they decide it would behove them to take the foot off of their opponents neck long enough to torpedo an unpopular or inconvenient teammate or settle a score. Without fail the team that pauses to take a breath or settle a score ends up losing out, chemistry shattered and spirit broken.
The football gods clearly decided to forgive the Colts rookie coach at halftime. Probably because he already sacrificed a potential perfect season on the alter of foolish football canards. Keep it up Mr Caldwell and you might become a football genius too, just like Marvin Lewis.
The Colts, who always appear so invincible going into the playoffs have been, with one exception, "vinced" every playoff campaign short of the Superbowl in this long Peyton Manning era. To avoid the Noid again, new Head Coach Jim Caldwell forsook a run at a perfect season and pulled his star quarterback and many starters early in what became their first loss in game 14 against... ummm, I forget... oh yeah, against the Jets! This strategy did have the effect of letting the Jets, who's season was given up for dead a week before by their own coach, into the playoffs. It also blocked the Steelers, who also won out their last three games only to miss the playoffs due to tiebreakers. One shouldn't be too hard on Colt's coach Caldwell for using this "lose to win" strategy to spare and repair his top guns. Noted football genius Bill Belicheck often presumed football genius Marvin Lewis both bought into the same theory after they locked up playoff spots. Both Patriots and Bengals were rudely dumped in the first round of playoffs by wildcard teams who, one must presume, didn't have the luxury of resting players down the stretch. Puts a different spin on genius dunnit?
Clearly these coaching geniuses never watch Survivor on TV. Seemingly every year a team of reality schmucks takes a dominating lead over another team of reality schmoes. Seeing an insurmountable lead they decide it would behove them to take the foot off of their opponents neck long enough to torpedo an unpopular or inconvenient teammate or settle a score. Without fail the team that pauses to take a breath or settle a score ends up losing out, chemistry shattered and spirit broken.
The football gods clearly decided to forgive the Colts rookie coach at halftime. Probably because he already sacrificed a potential perfect season on the alter of foolish football canards. Keep it up Mr Caldwell and you might become a football genius too, just like Marvin Lewis.
Doc, I Need A Pill... Stat !
So it's 2:44 in the afternoon on a Sunday. I'm being as intimate with my wife as wide awake kids will allow: we are both surfing the web at the kitchen table while listening to NFL pregame in the background. This is the 21 equivalent of reading poetry under a willow tree. Suddenly, breaking the mood, comes the resonant tone of a commercial announcer axing if I am troubled by "erectile dysfunction".
No, I do not dismiss the needs of the many out there who could use some help getting over a physical or emotional hump, so to speak. I do however, regret that my kids will grow up more comfortable talking about penile performance than prophylactic protection. It's just the hypocrisy that big pharmaceutical companies can talk about manly matters over my dinner, but God (apparently) forbid educators offer advice to tweenagers on how to avoid pregnancy, syphilis and nasty reputations. Why are there no no grumpy old men standing outside the offices of urologists with humongous pictures of flaccid penis', protesting this unnatural endowment?
Perhaps I would be in a more generous mood if Merck or Johnson & Johnson (wouldn't that be appropriate...) would come on TV with a pill that gave me and the ReInvented Wife what our sex life really needed. A pill that made the kids go away for three hours at a time. One can hope.
No, I do not dismiss the needs of the many out there who could use some help getting over a physical or emotional hump, so to speak. I do however, regret that my kids will grow up more comfortable talking about penile performance than prophylactic protection. It's just the hypocrisy that big pharmaceutical companies can talk about manly matters over my dinner, but God (apparently) forbid educators offer advice to tweenagers on how to avoid pregnancy, syphilis and nasty reputations. Why are there no no grumpy old men standing outside the offices of urologists with humongous pictures of flaccid penis', protesting this unnatural endowment?
Perhaps I would be in a more generous mood if Merck or Johnson & Johnson (wouldn't that be appropriate...) would come on TV with a pill that gave me and the ReInvented Wife what our sex life really needed. A pill that made the kids go away for three hours at a time. One can hope.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Love Means... Taking It On The Chin Like A Man
One of the strangest pop icons of relationship bliss came out of the seventies. Two cherubic mates held hands naked every day on the cartoon page of the newspaper stating to all who could stomach it, “Love Is Never Having To Say You're Sorry”. If you are wondering why we never see those two love birds anymore it is because they are long since divorced. That is just my guess but I will stand by it. If they truly believed that they never had to say, “Sorry, you are right and I am so wrong”, then divorce was inevitable.
It is not enough to say you are sorry when you are wrong. You need to say you are sorry even when you are right. If you really want this relationship to work you need to say that you are sorry while the knife is still poking out of your chest. You will know in your heart whether you were at fault or not, and you probably were. Either way, if you make her happy you make yourself happy
Yeah, my guess is, that "love is..." guy is currently pushing 300 lbs with hair growing from his teeth. He's living with his third wife who keeps him bankrupt with binge shopping from QVC and donations to TV evangelists. Yet every morning he starts the day with "I'm sorry dear" and he doesn't stop until the lights go out because he will never have the chance to go back and take it on the chin for the nicely rounded naked girl he loved way back in the seventies.
Oh, and she's still hot and remarried to the Class of '73, Short wave radio club Captain, who grew up to appreciate a good thing and reminds her of it everyday.
It is not enough to say you are sorry when you are wrong. You need to say you are sorry even when you are right. If you really want this relationship to work you need to say that you are sorry while the knife is still poking out of your chest. You will know in your heart whether you were at fault or not, and you probably were. Either way, if you make her happy you make yourself happy
Yeah, my guess is, that "love is..." guy is currently pushing 300 lbs with hair growing from his teeth. He's living with his third wife who keeps him bankrupt with binge shopping from QVC and donations to TV evangelists. Yet every morning he starts the day with "I'm sorry dear" and he doesn't stop until the lights go out because he will never have the chance to go back and take it on the chin for the nicely rounded naked girl he loved way back in the seventies.
Oh, and she's still hot and remarried to the Class of '73, Short wave radio club Captain, who grew up to appreciate a good thing and reminds her of it everyday.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Alzheimer's Soundtrack: The Buzzcocks
Most of the muzak I put up on the AlzTrak is bubblegum pop meant to catch you old farts up to what is good on todays radios. This is from a band nobody in America ever heard about and it is the template for Green Day and any band that pretends to play Punk today. This sound was my cure for zits in 1979. If lead singer Pete Shelley didn't sound like a feminine can opener this guitar band would have been the next Beatles. If you like this there are a lorry full of great punk-pop anthems from The Buzzcocks on YouTube with awesomely awful EuroTeeVee vids. Your kids will actually like this because absolutely no one else they know has heard of it.
Funniest. Shit. Ever: How Many Wheel On A Big Rig?
This is one you can share with your kids and they will be rolling on the floor. Not all of my humor is filthy but I prefer to post stuff that makes me snort coffee out of my "booger-vault" (stole that from a NY Times best seller)because sometimes I fear I am turning into Ned Flanders with all of this "Hug your kids" crap. I prefer to aim at being a hairy knuckled Erma Bombeck or a male version of Dave Barry.
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